I ended 2020 with a tiny month-long experiment: Do one thing that makes me happy every day.
For 30 days, I was documenting a collection of binges and puppycore and adventurecore and homemade exotic food creations (I skipped the sourdough phase and went straight to mochii and sesame balls1) with daily Instagram stories, sometimes spending hours creating and editing these performative and filtered TikToks, Reels and ‘grams (which I enjoyed doing).
Then I forgot to post. Then I forgot to post another day. Then there was a domestic terrorist attack on the nation’s Capitol and Anne Helen Petersen’s words — “What is happening in the world around you, and the grief you feel because of it, is so much more important than your ability to complete a task or respond to an email” — gave me permission to grieve and disappear and be pandemic fine rather than fake happiness for hearts on social media.
To anyone who’s asked me how I’ve been this past year: I’m still on the spectrum of pandemic fine. Some hours are finer than others. Other hours are filled with paralyzing fear and anxiousness and self-doubt — feelings that apparently don’t go away even after making it at The New York Times. In fact, you can write/produce/direct a movie that was nominated for an Oscar and your 80-year-old Asian parents might still be wondering when you’re going to make it.
These anxious and successful people have advice. No. 1: Awareness. Imposter syndrome is a very real thing, especially among women of color. There’s nothing wrong with you. Dr. Andrea Salazar-Nunez on NPR’s Life Kit:
“For people of color, and especially women of color, that impostor syndrome is influenced by the messaging that we've received from Day 1 being born as a woman of color, a person of color in this country.”
No. 2: Make a list. Dr. Suzanne Imes on NPR’s Life Kit:
“Get a piece of paper and make three columns. And in the first column - I'm not so good at. In the second column - I'm medium good at. And the third column - I'm very good at. And you write all the things you can think of.”
No. 3: Keep doing what you love. M. Night Shyamalan, the guy who got Oscar noms for “The Sixth Sense,” revealed to Guy Raz:
“The only thing that makes me not anxious is creating. It turns out the thing that I do to ground and be centered is my job. So it's like that beautiful thing that you the thing that you love to do is your job.”
The latter advice brings me back to the beginning of this story: Doing one thing that makes you happy every day.
For me, one of my first joys was reading; a second joy (after I was told I might be good at it) was writing. So I’m going to commit to more reading and writing in 2021. But to make reading and writing a habit rather than a resolution, I’m going to start small. Perhaps even smaller than one Instagram snapshot a day.
So one tiny 2021 habit: list one thing I loved/admired/was inspired by/brought me joy/made me happy in this email newsletter, which means I’ll be writing “Queued” more regularly.
What you’ll be getting in these dispatches: I bookmark a lot of process stories. How Anne Helen Petersen reads stuff on the Internet. How Alex Goldman wrote a climate change song. How a hacker for hire accidentally got the former Australian PM’s passport number. How four strangers with the same name started a band. How Delia Cai got good at newsletters. How to run a “Succession” OOC account. How to keep a habit. How Taylor Lorenz kept a spreadsheet of all the stories she loved and wish she wrote. This is my ✨spreadsheet✨.
❤️️ What else I loved so far in 2021:
This site that put 9,849,938 Bernie memes on the (Google) map 🗺
This 🐿ly GameStop stonks short squeeze explainer (mostly because of all the squirrel puns)
The absolute absurdity of dancing through a military coup (if this isn’t peak 2021, I don’t know what is)
This nostalgic essay that reminds me of my childhood (only my Chinatown was in Toronto rather than New York City)
This re-run about dancing to Otis Redding’s “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay”
This nightly 28-day evening art exhibit delivered into your email inbox
Modern-day Eloise Bridgerton’s exposé into the modern Lady Whistledown (Spoiler alert: Lady Whistledown’s identity isn’t revealed)
This humbling story on the Lt. Gov. who became her own intern
📺 Current comfort shows:
“Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts”
“Bridgerton”
“Gilmore Girls” (finally made it into Rory’s college years)
📚 Books read:
🛍 Personal rewards if I’m still writing this newsletter by Black Friday/Cyber Monday:
A matching sustainably made tie-dye Softwear hoodie/pullover and jogger set
🔽 Other small 2021 habits:
Knitting
Composting
Exercising (advice that got me started)
✌️ Moment of zen:
🎤 Song:
Tan Weiwei’s “Xiao Juan” (H/T The New York Times)
Evidence